So I just came back from an unexpected trip to Malaysia yesterday. It was brought on by the necessity of attaining a new visa, a visa needed in order to carry out my tepid experience here in Thailand for another three months. “Tepid?”, you ask. Sigh, yes, I will now admit it. I do not love Thailand. I, once again, prove to be unlike- for better or for worse- the majority of the population and do not find myself taken with Thailand. You could say Thailand is borrowing me… and slightly against my will at that (insofar as I’d rather be home). With that said, I’m committed to seeing this experience through for all the internal growth it can provide and blah blah blah… Hence my need to go to Malaysia.

Without giving you a play by play of how terrified and distraught I was over having to plan from scratch and then execute this trip alone, I will instead skip right to the good stuff and just tell you that I got to the country safely and made it into a cab… A cab, where the following excerpt of my mobile journal (in that it is written on my phone), begins:

– Oh god. Just learned the Embassy is an hour from the airport. Here’s hoping the website is wrong about closing at 11:30 and the random guy’s blog was right about them closing at 1:00… My cab driver just told me how Malaysia houses two of the world’s most wanted terrorists and that when I’m out in public I should tell people I’m British because of the anti-American sentiment here. Oh this can’t be a good sign. Hmm.. He also just filled up his gas tank but, strangely, the empty light is still on as we drive on the highway… What have I gotten into?

Made it to the embassy but I’m not in the clear yet. Heard the queue numbers they’re giving out did, in fact, stop at 11:30 (it’s 11:45). Tried begging my way to be allowed to apply. May have worked but the attitude of those waiting here is definitely hostile, bordering on cannibalistic. What’s more in a moments panic, I exchanged all my money for Malaysian ringgit at the airport, spent more than I thought on the taxi, and found that with the fee of this visa I will have one ringgit remaining. Talk about lucky… And a strange start to this new country. Here’s hoping this luck continues and I can apply today.

This guy behind me is a total jerk. He is mumbling and grumbling and swearing any time anyone took longer than he wanted at the counter. He just started openly swearing without even trying to be quiet about it and then guess what? He was the next one called! Which he had to have known because they call out the numbers. Seriously some people. So then he starts arguing with the woman at the front desk of the Thai Embassy. Here I am dressed in my teaching skirt with my “like me” smile plastered to my face because I heard that helps and he is arguing with the Embassy! He says he wants to get married and just “get out of the country for good” … Great thing to say to a group of Thai people. I feel sorry for whoever his bar girl wife probably is. –

While my mobile journal stops there, the story does not. I was able to apply for my visa and told to pick it up the next day, leaving me with half a day of exploration in Kuala Lumpur. My relief at having being able to apply was palpable as I left the Embassy to check into my hotel and withdraw more money. Unfortunately, upon trying to withdraw money, I find neither of my credit cards will let me.

My heart stopped. Here I am, on my own more so than I was in Thailand and more in need of cash than I was there with absolutely no money and only a rapidly dwindling cell phone battery that will only let me Skype to my parents in America. After a couple frantic calls asking my parents to call the 24-hour number of Capital One and online banking inventory taking of my accounts, it became evident that both my accounts had substantial funds in them so I tried another ATM and that one worked! I still have no idea what happened, why the first ATM rejected my cards or what we did to clear it up… All I know is that 30 minutes where I thought I was stranded in Malaysia was terrifying.

So I get my visa application in, I get my money, and I’m finally ready to go. I was lucky enough to book a hotel within walking distance of the famous Petronas Towers and that is where I took myself! They were awesome.

I like this blog. However, I am someone who gladly and eagerly shares almost everything from my internal world with anyone who asks, and I think I’m ready to admit that’s not a persona I feel like encouraging in Thailand anymore. The changes I’m going through and the things I’m realizing are ultimately mine and mine alone and, right now, I kind of want to keep them that way.

So, thank you to everyone (anyone?) who has diligently read and followed this blog. It’s much appreciated. I may find the necessary emotional detachment to update it sporadically with stuff I have done but as for the messy mind stuff… I’m keeping that information close to the heart. x

Today, like many days here in Thailand, I got into the car with my home-stay aunt having no idea where we were going. Upon arrival at her children’s school, I see all the students divided into 5 or 6 color coordinated rows and many people sitting on the bleachers. It looked like some type of ceremony, although I had no idea what type it could have been. There were students dressed in traditional Thai garb, students in elaborate burlesque costumes, students with angel wings, students with Lady Gaga inspired wigs… It would have appeared like Halloween had they not been arranged in these rows of colors clearly awaiting some sort of instruction.

What commenced was, in fact, a ceremony, of sorts. It was more like a talent show/dance competition. It was the highschool’s “Sports Day.” A day unlike any comparable ones in the U.S. It is essentially competitive prom but without the formal dancing and in the middle of the day. Each color represents a team; each team has a concept that they are responsible for depicting. I would name some examples of the concepts but, truthfully, I am still trying to figure them out. And, as is par for the course here in Thailand, there was no one there I could effectively communicate my questions to, let alone be able to understand their answers.

Below are some snapshots of the extravaganza I experienced. It was, all in all, really cool. To see the seemingly professionally choreographed dances, sets, costumes… It was something. Check it out below!

Here I thought I was doing 15-year-old Noei a favor by telling her to go on ahead. In reality, I think I made them all annoyed at me. I guess that’s my penance for thinking I could navigate a Thai market alone without getting lost. Oh well. Like Deep said, I’m not going to think too much about it. I used my powers of communication to found them and, in the meantime, fed an elephant and gave money to a man who needed it. So this trip wasnt a complete “wash” (it was also raining).

I hope I remember this feeling, when I’m back in America. This feeling of being suffocated, having no idea how to communicate or what to do. It is just as important to remember as the peace and contentment I experience, as they are both ever present and threaten to jump in as the dominant emotion at any time.

In honor of celebrating New Year’s, last Friday Pueng and her family and I went out to this amazing restaurant in Rayong. It looked like a multi-level treehouse!

Dinner time:

One of the awkwardest times I have here in Thailand is during dinner. I think the aunt I am living with told her 15-year-old daughter when I first moved in that she should eat dinner with me every night. Maybe she saw it on an American TV show and wanted to recreate a home-like environment for me. It’s weird only because her daughter isn’t really interested in learning English and seeing as I speak such little Thai, we generally sit in silence the entire meal. It sometimes makes me feel like I am using this household for their food, because I can’t generate conversation or other ways of bonding through communication during this meal. So I try and do the dishes every night to show my gratitude.

Speaking of food…

In Thailand it is customary to have multiple different kinds of meat at one meal. This is something I gnerally tried to stay away from in America because I naturally have an aversion to mixing meat (shrimp and steak, or chicken and pork)…. But here, it’s really common. As I am always trying to do things “Thai-style”, I often come away from a meal feeling like I harbor a small farm in my stomach.

I’m beginning to think that I might actually be happy here in Thailand. It’s a hard question to answer because, from what I understand, this is a happiness not based on external circumstances. It’s not that I have a great job, great friends, great external stuff that fill my time… It’s more of a… happiness based on a quiet contentment. Happy knowing that my soul is at peace and I have nothing to worry about. Who knows how long this will last. I’m trying to stay in the moment and accept it for the quiet and peace that it offers.

I can’t think of a time prior to this that I’ve felt this way. It’s kind of ironic given how much I’ve tormented myself lately over who I was before I left Thailand. But, in a weird way, my reflections on the person I used to be feel like reflections on a completely separate entity. As of today, actually, I’ve started to feel like that girl and this girl are two different people. And, now, I feel at ease with myself. It doesn’t mean I’ll stop learning from that girl but maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll stop personalizing her mistakes as my own.

What a great way to start the new year. Happy 2012 all =)

Today I played another round of “Let’s try and ask the American girl a question!” And guess who was in the hot seat? Chances are you got it right. It’s not that it frustrates me exactly, that I can’t communicate with the people I’ve met here (answer their questions or ask my own); I mean, that is definitely part of it. I like verbal communication as much as the next person, if not more than.

Although, as I have said before, in some ways, it’s actually nicer not having to answer the same 20 questions over and over and over and worry about how socially correct my answers are (“Yes, I’ve been enjoying Thailand.” “Yes, it is very different from America.”). I have tried to do that in the past, with people that speak relatively good English (like Pueng and my friend Simone) and have recognized the difficulty of trying to compliment this country and not bash my own (“The biggest difference between here and home besides the food? The children are forced to wear seatbelts, along with everyone else, and you can only have a maximum of two people on a motorbike.”).

The other difficult part of communicating differences between these two countries is that the people in which I was mainly speaking with (Pueng) speak such limited English themselves that I am forced to used more black and white terms and simpler words than I would otherwise. I end up portraying a vast chasm between the two countries instead of the more accurate, subtle differences in attitude or values. So you can see why I would be somewhat happy to be relieved of the burden of trying to accomplish my end of a conversation…

With that said, back to my original qualm, sometimes I feel embarrassed that I would come to their country only knowing the very very basics of their language. Granted, I didn’t originally think I would be around such native Thai speakers in such a rural setting. I was envisioning associating primarily with university students in a city setting, where the expected level of English is much higher to begin with. Still, I can’t help but wonder, in my darkest hours here (which are really not very dark at all, more like a passing rain cloud across an otherwise fairly cloudless sky), whether the people I interact with (or who try to interact with me or who talk about me or who even just notice me) get slightly frustrated or indignant that I am unable to verbally express myself, like I’m some kind of pre-talking toddler in an adult’s body.

I remember how annoyed I used to get when I worked in customer service and would have to explain a bill for payment to someone who couldn’t understand my needs nor communicate their own. It was infuriating. I think I even wondered aloud a couple of times why they would come to our country and not be able to speak the language.

Should I even bother to point out the irony here?

Granted, again, I am not trying to dispute a charge on my credit card in Thai. Heck, for the most part, I’m not even trying to speak. Still, I wouldn’t begrudge anyone who thought it was ridiculous that I would take myself out to rural Thailand where restaurants don’t even have English copies of their menus and expect to live comfortably. Part of me thinks it’s a bit ridiculous too. But, the difference between what they’re thinking I’m feeling (or feeling themselves) and what I’m actually feeling, is that I’m somehow super happy here. I don’t know why but I really like living here. Today may have been a bit frusterating because my limitations in this community were front-and-center but, for the most part, other than that, I really don’t want to be back in the city, as in Bangkok or as in the U.S. Language barrier and all!

How’s that for a weird evolution of experience?

Beverages come in these little plastic bags air sealed with rubber bands just as commonly as they come in cups. Everything from coca cola with ice to, what I’m drinking, vegetable juice. All you do is poke a hole with the straw into the bag and drink up. Still haven’t figured out what they do when they need to set them down however…

“What type of exercise are you getting while you’re in Thailand?” you may ask. Truthfully? Very little. While I worked out in the hotel facility three days in a row about three weeks ago, that was the last of it. And my body is feeling the consequences. My muscles are randomly sore (which happens if I go a long time without exercising, almost as if I had exercised) and my body feels aged. So this morning, having another day off from school (not because I’m feeling ill anymore; Pueng had a meeting all day and wouldn’t be teaching), I took myself running outside.

Running outside in Thailand is a feat. While I was blessed with cooler weather than normal and a mostly overcast sky, I only made it through 8 songs on my iPod before I threw in the towel. Still, in this weather, with how little I’ve been active lately, 8 songs on my iPod feels like an amazing accomplishment. My goal was 10, my minimum was 5, so I’m above average, as far as I’m concerned. I may try and start waking up super early and running in the mornings before school. It feels too good, physically and psychologically.

After I came back and stretched, I decided to sweep my room. Seeing my home-stay aunt cleaning the entire house so thoroughly made me want to show that I can clean too! Plus, since I’ve arrived in Thailand I’ve wanted to use one of these:

How cool and handmade does that look? I think they’re awesome.

Note to mom: I know I said I would post when something ‘interesting’ happens and I know that to the common person, what I just posted is not ‘interesting.’ However! If Thailand is helping me realize anything, it’s that I have a supremely inflated view of my own thoughts and observations. Be prepared to be flooded with the minutia of my day-to-day